My life was changed forever at 1:19 am on February 26, 2013. I wasn't wearing a hospital gown and I wasn't experiencing labor pains...but Jonathan and I had just driven 22 hours straight (through an ice storm) to get to the hospital in time to see our precious Gracie make her grand arrival into the world. We had waited eight long years for her, and the minute I saw her, I knew she was mine in every way possible. My tired heart...one that had been through so many trials and so much loss...finally had joy in it again. Not only because I had become a mother, but because I realized that I had not been left alone in the "infertility wilderness". God had been using that time to mold and prepare my heart. I know that every mom experiences unimaginable joy at the birth of their child. But for me, becoming a mother didn't just bring joy...it was a healing experience for my marriage, for my family, and for my relationship with God.
For the first eight years of our marriage, I dreamt non-stop about being a mom. Infertility can be all consuming. During this time, however, I didn't want to alienate myself from the world. I wanted to be able to share in my friends' joy as their families grew. WANTING to do this didn't make it is easier to ACTUALLY do it, though. While I was pumping myself full of infertility drugs, I painted on a smile as I listened to friends talk about how they were planning and calculating their pregnancies to have the perfect "2 year age gap". A few weeks after I miscarried, I bought a baby shower gift for a friend. I sat at the shower and happily played the baby games because I WAS truly joyful for her. But that didn't stop me from bawling so hard on the drive home that I had to pull over (and subsequently drive through Braums for an obscenely large chocolate shake). I noticed every mom pushing a stroller down the sidewalk, every dad pushing his son on the swing at the park, and every preggo in line at Walmart. And don't get me started on Facebook! It seemed like barely a day went by that there wasn't some cute young couple creatively announcing to the world that they were expecting....or even worse, complaining about their kids.
We led worship in a different church every Sunday and shared our story, trying to encourage people to hold onto God in the waiting. I wanted to say that I trusted Him fully...but to be honest, I spent most of the time feeling so hurt that I lost sight of the healer.
I also felt guilt and shame when I was unable to conceive or carry to term. Then there were the questions...wow, the questions. "Why, God?! Why won't you grant this desire of my heart? Would I not be a good mom? Have I done something wrong?" Or the nights when my husband could no longer find the words to console me, so he just held me as I cried, all the while reassuring me that he didn't blame me and that it wasn't my fault.
When we entered into the adoption process, I admit that I did so kicking and screaming. I looked at it as a "last resort". It wasn't until Gracie arrived that my heart was forever changed. In every way possible, she was ours. For those of you who haven't adopted, it is impossible to explain that the moment you meet your child, God connects your hearts in the most perfect way. All of the longing and heartache of waiting is changed into a gratefulness that is unimaginable. To say that we felt like our family was complete after Gracie was born is an understatement. We honestly let go of needing to have a biological child because we had already received our miracle. So...of course....3 months after Gracie Kate was born, we found out that we were pregnant with Millie Anne.
Yep. Our girls our 10.5 months apart. Crazy town.
From the moment I held Millie, God made two things very clear to me. 1) I was truly holding a winning lottery ticket. That "one in a million" baby. The one that doctors said would never arrive was lying on my chest, already proving to the world that she was a fighter. 2) By allowing me to carry, God showed me the complete opposite of what I thought He would through a pregnancy. He actually showed me that it was never about getting pregnant. Sure...I'm grateful I got to feel the kicks. I'm glad to have had an excuse to eat Taco Bueno and Hershey Kisses in mass quantities without being judged. My pregnancy made me realize that for eight years I had thought that God being faithful meant that God would allow me to get pregnant. It wasn't until I experienced both roads to becoming a mother that I can honestly say that the actual pregnancy just didn't matter. I had missed the whole point all along. I hadn't wanted/needed to be pregnant. I had wanted/needed to be a mother.
I'm a very stubborn person. God knows that, and in his kindness, he made me wait. He knew that I would need more time than most to shape and strengthen my "momma heart." Maybe that's why the road to our babies was so long.
He knew that my “momma heart” will one day have to be strong enough to look at Gracie and explain to her why she was placed for adoption...and try to show her how that placement was heaven crafted. He knew that I needed time to prepare for this spirited, strong-willed, whirling dervish of a princess. He knew that all of those years of waiting would create a love in me for her that is so big that she will never doubt how much she was longed for, cherished, prayed for and loved.
He knew that this “momma heart” would have to endure sitting in a doctor's office hearing that Millie, our miracle baby, was autistic and apraxic. He knew that the hours and hours of therapy and advocating would be exhausting and terrifying. He created in me a “momma's heart” that had already fought a long time to even get that baby...and one that sure as heck wouldn't quit fighting for her. He knew my “momma heart” would have to be strong enough to hold onto miracles and small victories in the face of great deficits.
I don't know your story or what God is doing in your life. What I do know is that He is preparing your heart for a plan we can't see yet. He may be working on your "momma heart" too, and making sure it will endure everything it has to for the child or children He is preparing to send you. And the love you will feel for them will be so much sweeter because a family wasn't always a "given" for people like us.
God is still working on my “momma heart”, but I can finally see that the waiting was a gift. I needed the time to become strong, because God was going to give me children with extraordinary circumstances. The waiting is hard, but I promise there is beauty in it somehow. In the words of the Fairy Godmother, "Even miracles take a little time" (sorry... I can't end without my beloved fairy tale life mantra!).
For the first eight years of our marriage, I dreamt non-stop about being a mom. Infertility can be all consuming. During this time, however, I didn't want to alienate myself from the world. I wanted to be able to share in my friends' joy as their families grew. WANTING to do this didn't make it is easier to ACTUALLY do it, though. While I was pumping myself full of infertility drugs, I painted on a smile as I listened to friends talk about how they were planning and calculating their pregnancies to have the perfect "2 year age gap". A few weeks after I miscarried, I bought a baby shower gift for a friend. I sat at the shower and happily played the baby games because I WAS truly joyful for her. But that didn't stop me from bawling so hard on the drive home that I had to pull over (and subsequently drive through Braums for an obscenely large chocolate shake). I noticed every mom pushing a stroller down the sidewalk, every dad pushing his son on the swing at the park, and every preggo in line at Walmart. And don't get me started on Facebook! It seemed like barely a day went by that there wasn't some cute young couple creatively announcing to the world that they were expecting....or even worse, complaining about their kids.
We led worship in a different church every Sunday and shared our story, trying to encourage people to hold onto God in the waiting. I wanted to say that I trusted Him fully...but to be honest, I spent most of the time feeling so hurt that I lost sight of the healer.
I also felt guilt and shame when I was unable to conceive or carry to term. Then there were the questions...wow, the questions. "Why, God?! Why won't you grant this desire of my heart? Would I not be a good mom? Have I done something wrong?" Or the nights when my husband could no longer find the words to console me, so he just held me as I cried, all the while reassuring me that he didn't blame me and that it wasn't my fault.
When we entered into the adoption process, I admit that I did so kicking and screaming. I looked at it as a "last resort". It wasn't until Gracie arrived that my heart was forever changed. In every way possible, she was ours. For those of you who haven't adopted, it is impossible to explain that the moment you meet your child, God connects your hearts in the most perfect way. All of the longing and heartache of waiting is changed into a gratefulness that is unimaginable. To say that we felt like our family was complete after Gracie was born is an understatement. We honestly let go of needing to have a biological child because we had already received our miracle. So...of course....3 months after Gracie Kate was born, we found out that we were pregnant with Millie Anne.
Yep. Our girls our 10.5 months apart. Crazy town.
From the moment I held Millie, God made two things very clear to me. 1) I was truly holding a winning lottery ticket. That "one in a million" baby. The one that doctors said would never arrive was lying on my chest, already proving to the world that she was a fighter. 2) By allowing me to carry, God showed me the complete opposite of what I thought He would through a pregnancy. He actually showed me that it was never about getting pregnant. Sure...I'm grateful I got to feel the kicks. I'm glad to have had an excuse to eat Taco Bueno and Hershey Kisses in mass quantities without being judged. My pregnancy made me realize that for eight years I had thought that God being faithful meant that God would allow me to get pregnant. It wasn't until I experienced both roads to becoming a mother that I can honestly say that the actual pregnancy just didn't matter. I had missed the whole point all along. I hadn't wanted/needed to be pregnant. I had wanted/needed to be a mother.
I'm a very stubborn person. God knows that, and in his kindness, he made me wait. He knew that I would need more time than most to shape and strengthen my "momma heart." Maybe that's why the road to our babies was so long.
He knew that my “momma heart” will one day have to be strong enough to look at Gracie and explain to her why she was placed for adoption...and try to show her how that placement was heaven crafted. He knew that I needed time to prepare for this spirited, strong-willed, whirling dervish of a princess. He knew that all of those years of waiting would create a love in me for her that is so big that she will never doubt how much she was longed for, cherished, prayed for and loved.
He knew that this “momma heart” would have to endure sitting in a doctor's office hearing that Millie, our miracle baby, was autistic and apraxic. He knew that the hours and hours of therapy and advocating would be exhausting and terrifying. He created in me a “momma's heart” that had already fought a long time to even get that baby...and one that sure as heck wouldn't quit fighting for her. He knew my “momma heart” would have to be strong enough to hold onto miracles and small victories in the face of great deficits.
I don't know your story or what God is doing in your life. What I do know is that He is preparing your heart for a plan we can't see yet. He may be working on your "momma heart" too, and making sure it will endure everything it has to for the child or children He is preparing to send you. And the love you will feel for them will be so much sweeter because a family wasn't always a "given" for people like us.
God is still working on my “momma heart”, but I can finally see that the waiting was a gift. I needed the time to become strong, because God was going to give me children with extraordinary circumstances. The waiting is hard, but I promise there is beauty in it somehow. In the words of the Fairy Godmother, "Even miracles take a little time" (sorry... I can't end without my beloved fairy tale life mantra!).
RSS Feed
